2 posts tagged “movies”

so, normally when i start getting bent out of shape every month, i get extremely productive. minor details get taken care of, inspiration strikes, new ideas form, production happens. i hide in the house because i'm not fit for social activity. i cry at commercials. i bang out a series of ten.

everything is topsy turvy right now. i am quite possibly the most unproductive i've been in months. i have not had a creative-productive "flow" moment lately - not a single new idea - and i want to blame it on PMS (I also want to blame it on knitting, too, because I am starting to question whether it's good for me).

the party does not stop until i tell it to though (and oh it was a fun party saturday and another beautiful outdoor jam on sunday) and until then, well, hmm, i need to think about this - it would be healthy for me to spend the social, outdoor part of the year outdoors being social. it would also be healthy for me to formulate real plans and produce real things (specifically, real pieces of writing as that's where my life priorities really lie - though I seem to forget here and there that while I'm working for a millionaire/writer here in Portland and doing a day a week as a tattoo shop girl, I'm learning more valuable skills I can use in my life and take anywhere).

in the meantime i practice putting on eyeliner and blogging and feeling oddly guilty about not celebrating Cinco de Mayo (i don't know either - I'm not Mexican - but, I do get a guy who comes door to door once a week selling tamales here in Portland and he came tonight, so perhaps i'll go eat the whole bag and call it a party).

tonight i don't feel like doing anything. not any of my usual stuff - i don't feel like knitting, and i don't feel like watching a movie, and i don't feel like reading, either. not jewelry, not yoga or pilates, either (though I know if i get started i'll be happy I did, and i kind of hate myself right now for having a few days off). strangely (or maybe not so much) i don't feel like hanging out with my favorite man tonight either (lthough when i finish that thought by saying "because we've been spending a lot of nights together" you might blame all my lack of productivity on him instead, which may or may not be true - it's very hard to say no to him right now. at nights i spoon him, throw my arm around him and bury my hand in his patch of chest hair and on my fingertips is a feeling i'm convinced will stay with me forever - it's like that, it is).

i want someone to tell me it's okay to eat chocolate and tamales before bed. i want someone to tell me it's cool to want to sleep alone sometimes with no one else in it but a big fuzzy cat. i want someone to tell me what these awful pangs in my gut are here and there and why today, of all days, i suddenly feel as if i have no close friends. and also why i'm bloated, why suddenly i can see very lump on my thigh, magnified, why all my jeans are tight (it might be those tamales before bed, eh?)

i want someone to tell me it's okay to do NOTHING for a second when there's really just so much to do and so much that i need to accomplish, to tell me it's okay to set a few other things aside for a moment while i wallow in this beauty and ultimate distraction that is sunshine and fresh love.

i want to relish the turbulence, not fear it. 

I've been temping. It's only been 4 days, but the step on my soul is hard - my biorhythm doesn't involve a 6am wake-up time, usually. my soul hates offices and "business casual" and suddenly I am surrounded by commuters from the suburbs, people who live DRASTICALLY different lives than I. I don't so much mind the bus though, generally, as it's giving me time to sit, knit and meditate.

I am, however, searching for my creativity in all of this - it comes in spurts, this I know, just like my shop sales, but I seem to have lost both for a second. I've finished up the last few custom jobs and gotten all my current orders out into the world and now... there's this lull, and once again, it's time to pay rent. seems like it was just yesterday. Too, I suffer a new detriment - i've dropped my digital camera into the ocean. I use my camera regularly to photograph product and thus, generate income so there's a bit of a catch-22 scenario now taking place. Might be time for you to get that SCRAPZ pendant you've been wanting!

Yemaya expects her thanks and I suppose mine wasn't good enough, long enough, or strong enough yesterday. I drove out to the Oregon coast and let the shock of a blizzard in spring, the sound of the waves, the infinity of the horizon, lull me back into the bigger picture.  On the way home I hit a patch of black ice. My life did flash before my eyes but soon enough I was sitting in a snow drift off the side of the road and shortly thereafter that, someone else towed me back out onto the road. There was no damage to me, my car or my friend, but i drove 30mph in 4WD for a while until we hit the suburbs. I was never so happy to see urban sprawl.

Today is my day of rest, my day of refusal to everyone but myself. There was a time when I believed moving to Portland, Oregon from New York City would clear my life of the 'distractions' that kept me from achieving my own personal goals. That never worked out - this is a vibrant city despite its much smaller size and alarmingly random weather and there is always something to do - I spread myself a bit too thin this past week and started suffering the consequences.

I do believe it's time to clean and clear my space and hope for the best. time to pray.  Tonight it's going to be an early one so I can start the 6am routine all over again tomorrow - pathetically enough, I am a single woman who's looking forward to solo time and an early bedtime tonight. Yes, tonight, I am having a date with myself. Tonight it's me, my pillows, and a movie, and those damned yoga socks I've been working on for a month.

As for those things, after frogging and reknitting the instep at least six times I think i've finally jumped the hurdle pattern-wise (though I'll have to frog and reknit the instep yet again to find out). I'm both loving and hating the challenge - Mac'N'Me makes beautiful patterns though I've scribbled all over mine in hopes that I'll remember all the stuff I had to figure out on my own when I eventually get around to the second sock.

For now, however, I'll have to put this project aside to get started on a Mother's Day gift. Since it apparently takes me over a month to knit a pair of socks, I should get started on hers, using some incredible yarn I got off another knitter on Ravelry for half the price. I'd first discovered Zitron Trekking Pro Natura at Twisted, a yarn shop here in Portland that has quite the focus on socks and sock yarn. I'm not sure why anyone would want to give this yarn up, especially since I discovered moments ago that the colorway I've chosen for Mom's socks is named "New Mexico". Jeez, I hope I don't have a hard time giving them to her.